Первый анек на аглицком, который я услышал: If Jesus loves me, why doesn't he buy me flowers?

if so, then Dick and Nick sounds better

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word «Timbuktu.»

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started, he jumped up and recited the following poem:

«I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu...»

The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

«When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one an Tim booked two...»

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

What difference between government and organized crime?

One of them organized.

Kupil mujik shlyapu, a ona emu kak raz.

Кто не понял, h two O too ≈ H2O2 - перекись

- I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin' second and fate shovels shit in my face!

- Go get some sleep.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'll drop by your office tomorrow and we can start sorting this mess out.

A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," sputters the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellun my frienda how to spella Mississippi.

Why Java programmers wear glasses?
Because they don’t C#